I truly hate to talk about tiredness all the time, of which I try as hard as possible to avoid. Age causes my body to be tired, can't stop that. Tiredness of the mind is what I wish to discuss.
We all remember the movie with Bill Murray "Groundhog day." Don't we? I sure hope you do! This weatherman was stuck in the same O day, day after day, after day!!!
I equate his dilemma with my working environment. I actually like my job and am happy to still have the health to do it. I somehow find it quite ironic that a lot of the ones I went to school with, I've outlived. Doesn't matter if you a high school jock, well to do, whiz kid, Doctor, whatever many are long gone. One died at the age of 27, heart attack. I could not understand that then, nor understand it today. I suppose diseases don't discriminate. A good friend of mine died way too young from drugs and alcohol.
I find myself in somewhat of a "Groundhog Day" loop, time thing-a-ma-jig. The working day same O shit happens every fricking day it seems. Seems the mental crap is definitely, taking its toil on me more so than the physical thing. For too long I just tried to overlook it. That's the problem, I can't block it out, NO MORE!
I told myself last night at work.
I said "Self don't give a ferkel, you could probably do half as much as you do now and nobody will say a thing." (Isn't that sad, others get by with it!)
Yes, I did say that.
Also I thought along with that, "It ain't my problem just ride it out until retirement."
I cannot do it! I think what I think and "I am what I am!" To quote Popeye the cartoon. But that "Am what I am" is gonna kill me if I cannot find a way to overlook all the I-G-N-O-R-A-N-C-E!
On that last thought of the previous sentence, my sentence is clear, I've sentenced myself to death, because the only way out I see, clearly is to not give a ferk and I cannot do that, it seems!!!
HERE BE MY REAL DILEMMA. I DON'T WANT TO RETIRE! IT'S MY PERSONAL BELIEF WITHOUT THE PHYSICAL PUSH THAT MY BODY NEEDS TO KEEP IT ACTIVE I WOULD WITHER AWAY.
THE FLIP SIDE IS, DO I DIE FRROM THE STUPIDITY AND IGNORANCE OF OTHERS OF WHICH I CAN'T SEEM TO BLOCK OUT!
MOST INTERESTING DILEMMA, I FIND MYSELF IN!!!!!
I FIND MYSELF THINKING "BEST JUST SLIP AWAY IN A DREAM IN MY SLEEP, SEEMS A NICE WAY TO AVOID BOTH!!!!"
AH! BUT THAT BE THE COWARDS WAY OUT. WELL NOW, I'M TOO FRICKING OLD TO CHANGE A MINDSET OF A LIFETIME. "I CANNOT STAND LAZINESS AND STUPIDITY. I RECKON I'M A GONER . . . HEAH?