Instead of listening to my thoughts and I. Q., my common sense, my upbringing and everything I have learned in my life, I have thrown it all away "BEGONE". What makes me, ME I cast away! I exorcised myself. It was during this self-exorcism, I had a revelation...
I had pushed myself beyond my physical capacity, as in old age, and the limitations I must adhere to, to stay within my various ailments. Under normal circumstances a good nights rest pretty much rejuvenates me to near normal. One thing about age you are never normal again! Anyhow, I wasn't recovering. I would get out of bed for a little while, but my body and mind says "more rest", so I slept it off, or so I tried!
I'm now into my third day, I cancelled my Doctor's appointment and called into work I simply cannot face the WORLD. My posts are dark, but hey I was dark at this time. Darkness held me tightly in it's grasp. I was not dreaming and usually my dreams are like therapy. Something deep amiss. It was about this time I started thinking, I wish I would fall into a deep sleep and never wake up!!! It just didn't matter anymore... My life is over and anything else is just going to be down hill... Why prolong the inevitable... So after three days of physical exhaustion, my mind agrees, I give up... After lying in bed on the fourth day the revelation hit... It is quite simple... I must not care anymore about the problems of the world... I must not care about anything at work that takes me out of my safety zone... When the lame brained nincapoops at work piss me off... I must simply say I don't give a rats ass... When I fill the flame begin to rage, I simply don't care... If it's something I can't control, then why fret over it. When some loud ass is talking on the cell phone and I can hear every word, laugh, their frying their own brain cells with the microwave emissions and that's funny...
Somehow I found the courage to go back to my meaningless existence. It was TOUGH, like walking on egg shells. I talk to myself to stay calm. I took several aleve for arthritis pain that seem to be affecting my whole body. I drank mucho caffeine, to kick-start my engine. DAMN I was a man on the edge!!! Edge of what, I dare not allow myself to entertain that thought!
Somehow, I made it through that night. Weak of mind, weary of body I crawl home from willing up the last bit of willpower within. I crash for 12 hours and go-at-it once more, mustering up the will and blocking out the things that before would of raised my blood pressure greatly! I had made it two days and repeated the drill once again. After the third day it was weekend again and my routine came full circle and back to as normal as it was before, my little brush with insanity.
Thankfully my dreams reappear with meaningful clarity, the likes of which I've not experienced before. I visit my Doctor and everything is as screwed up medically as I was mentally, but who CARES!!! I have fought a valiant battle to keep my mental faculties as near normal as whatever that is!!!
I can see my frustrations and my renewed VIGOR in my posts of the last six to eight weeks.
I attempt to see through my heart first, rather than through my brain. DAMN that is hard after living your whole life one way.
I have set-backs, a-plenty but try to remain focused. So far the enjoyment of life outweighs the bad and I hope to win this battle as long as my old ticker keeps ticking.
I write this piece as I try to keep peace. Life is an everyday battle that grows harder as you age!
We must keep on trucking and enjoying the beauty of the simple pleasures that are all around us because we sure CANNOT change the world, our surroundings, behavior of other people...
WHAT WE CAN DO, OR AT LEAST "TRY" IS TO CONTROL OUR REACTIONS TO THE UNCHANGEABLE CHAIN OF EVENTS WE CAN'T CONTROL... ONE CAN NEVER SAY "I DON'T CARE" THAT IS THE VERY PROBLEM...WE CARE TOO DAMN MUCH... THANK YOU AND GOODNIGHT... glen view "PEACE MY FRIENDS"