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Tuesday, June 19, 2012


I feel at loss. Having recently completed the book Crime and Punishment. I am sad! The book was beautiful in ways I've never experienced before. "Why?" I ask myself.

Crime and Punishment was admittingly hard originally, endearing myself to, at around 100 pages I almost gave up.

I ask myself "why am I reading this book now at this time in my life?

Then I answered my own question "perhaps fate is playing into my hand somehow, do not question it go with the it!"

So I tolled on for awhile and was glad I did! This book should not be read as one might read a newspaper, a magazine or casually reading wih children scurrying about, television blaring. This book is to be read in an relaxing environment, mentally free. It's that brillant! Maybe the fact that one has to face life, achieving reference points.

I stopped reading books for a couple years. My endeavor into finding myself through an unexplainable intense desire to put what runs sometimes rather wildly through my mind to words, has been the greatest challenge/reward of my life. I have never developed that stick-to-it-iveness in my life. You know something that you want s-o-o-o bad, you just keep plugging away. If something got too tough or challenging I would recoil, finding safe harbor riding out the fear of the imaginary insurmountable waves.

I made numerous attempts, all failures over many years. Giving up but the fire would not go out.

I think to myself  "what in the world are you thinking, don't know how to type, never used a computer before, English was my most feared and misunderstood class!"

Against all odds a story plays out in my mind beginning in a dream and plays itself in detail within that semi awakeness. I knew I had to write this story based on an actual place I walked through many years earlier. The story become's the short story 'THE FLAME' which I have written five chapters of, this year. I see I am rambling that's me for sure. 

It does, and doesn't make any sense! How so? I dare say "everyone has infinite thoughts, even the not so beautiful, hold meaning. Expressing ones innermost thoughts is most delightful, if we can express them in an intelligible understandable manner. Quite possibly the most meaningful thought provoking yet helpful lines may be considered dark, so we don't like thinking them, let alone write upon. We perceive as too bad to think, most assuredly to write! Rather the everyday trials and tribulations that sometimes become an anchor we cannot break free of.

Aah! That's where we go wrong. We taught or assume we should not speak let alone think upon our most inner self. So we harbor it and file it under forget. Yeah right, rung after rungs are applied through life, do they go away? Nope, nada, not hardly!!!


  1. I am trying to get through the book, but you said it yourself, it has to be read in a relaxing environment and I am finding that hard to come by here this past month. I did get through several pages this weekend while I was away. I am an avid reader and I can't remember a time in my life when I did not have a book I was reading. Ever since I learned to read, it has been one of my favorite things to do. I read both fiction and non-fiction. But these days it takes me quite awhile to finish a book, unlike the old days when I could finish a book in a couple of days!

    I am glad you are reading again and I hope you keep on writing as usual. You are still an inspiration to me .

  2. Oh, I wanted to say that you know I usually have no trouble writing my thoughts, the good, bad, ugly, dark...... I am who I am and writing my innermost thoughts is just a way to express that. Lately though, my mind has not been "thinking" much of anything for some reason and that is driving me crazy haha.