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Friday, June 8, 2012

The Mercedes

It be late real late do you know where your mind is? Well if you're a regular Joe or Josephine you be snuggled up in bed visiting the land of Oz, I'd reckon! I don't know no regular Joe's or Josephine's! Here in Daisyville them regular ones drove away from here a long time ago. They hastily drove away in their B.M.W.'s, Mercedes, foreign, sleek, beautiful, fine looking automobiles.

I drove a Mercedes one time! A buddy of mine left for college, was gone over twenty years, he returned home to Daisyville with his tail between his legs, life completely drained from him!. He once enjoyed the amenities of having a heap of money, a lavish home, fixin to retire early. It was not to be for my pal, no sir! His wife divorced him and took a younger man, yep! The way he tells the story this fella still be in college. You know my buddy didn't like the way I explained to him that fella didn't need no more educating.

He fumes and frets lying around nye onto a month, living with his momma and daddy once again. I couldn't take it no more! Everyday I would go by after working for the man where we make good o'l American made, oops, 'assembled' Pick Up Trucks. Everyday he would be washing that Mercedes. The only thing left that he could call his, for over twenty years of life.

I asked him "are we still buds, I mean buddies like when we used to go running around during high school. Think clearly upon this, if we're still good, I want to help you, as only best friends can!" He was in deep deliberation, as he sat down on the front porch, placing his right hand under his chin. In all my years I have never seen nobody, think at such depth! I figure he must be pondering upon the time he left his boyhood home. I go into the house getting me a cold one out of the same yellowish white Frigidaire, the same one as when I was a kid, saying "hello" to his mom and dad, I glance out the screen door, he's still pondering! I must have short circuited his wiring, big time! I go back to the fridge getting me another cold one bringing my buddy one, setting it by his left hand. He's still motionless, then it dawned upon me, He's posed just like that statue "The Thinker!"  I be getting a mite P'd O. (pissed off!) I said "lookee here Benjamin Wayne". Momentarily I have his attention, he remembers when we were younger, that I only called him that, when I was P'd O at him big, time! I said "drink that beer", he did and went back to the pose of The Thinker! I finish my beer and go get me another and Benjamin Wayne two. Daddy hollers out sarcastically, "y'all have all them beers you want I just got my Social Security check yesterday!" I pay daddy no mind, I had bigger fish to bring back to reality, I must resurrect Benjamin Wayne, he has sunk to the bottom of the pond, from pondering too much. Benjamin Wayne be bout as lifeless as one can get! He's acting like a big o'l lazy Carp on the bottom of the pond, lying in his own crap, feeling so sorry for himself.  I say "drink these two beers, then I want to talk to you, best friend to whatever remains of my once best friend." He's still in that silly ass pose, using his left hand to drink them beers, luckily I popped the tops for him, what are friends for! I walk around for a spell, Benjamin Wayne still sitting there with that right hand under his !@#$ing chin. I think to myself, "looks more like a dumass sitting on the John pushing out a turd!" Then a thousands light bulbs lite up around that MERCEDES. He has been gazing at that damn Mercedes, reliving the past twenty plus years. He's looping it over and over in his fried brain. I mosey over to the yonder side of that Mercedes and tinkle on the front tire, hoping to bring him out of that pose. Shit! It be worse than I thought! I say Benjamin Wayne "I ain't never drove anything other than pick up trucks, I sure would love to drive that Mercedes of yours. The keys are in my truck, and I see the keys are in your Mercedes, if I don't come back tonight I'll bring her back tomorrow." I jump into that shining California She Devil and peel out before he knows what's going on. I glance back in the rear view mirror and he was waving, with his left hand, his right hand still under his chin. I drive down the road a piece and pull into the first Convenient Store. Coincidences, coincidences the name of the Store was Best Buddy's, at that moment, I realize it's up to me. The weight of the world weighs heavily, some times. I go inside and buy a six-pack o beer, one of them throw away coolers and some ice and a big o'l bag o tater chips, so's I could do me some heavy thinking! You see I think better with a few beers and I get the munchies when I get to drinking, so I did not wish to be interrupted when I'm in deep thought. Then I laugh louder than a coon dog who's treed a coon, at the sight of Benjamin Wayne sitting on the porch. I have to help the poor fool! I pop one of them beers looking around for a drink holder, there ain't one! What! I never drove me a vehicle that had no place to hold my drink a fore! About now I'm zeroing in onto Benjamin Wayne's dilemma. I drive to my favorite thinking/drinking spot, a lake where I can see the moon and all the stars shining with no lights to hinder my deep reflection. I look at the night sky and fore I know'd it, I have finished them beers, and the munchies, there lying in what once was an immaculately clean carpet, a nasty mess. Then I come to a wee bit of sense, I'm not in my pick up truck. I must of laughed for five minutes, my laughter rolls across the lake. I have the answer I have been searching for, I know what I must do. Then lights out. I wake up as the sun peeks into my red swollen bloodshot eyes. Oh my word who hit me across the head with a ball bat. I drive back to Best Buddy's and get me a heap o coffee.  I drive straight to Earl's Salvage Yard, waking up old Earl. I flash a bunch of hundred dollar bills and he was out the door in a flash. "Earl I want you to take that Mercedes and crunch it up for me" as he looks upon them hundreds, "then me and you are going to deliver it to Benjamin Wayne's house right pronto!" So one hour later me and Earl are dropping off a square cube of metal, one ten year old Mercedes that has wrecked havoc on my best friend. I'm gonna cure him of what ails him, yes I am. We drop it off in the driveway and hi-tail it outta there, lickety split. I call into work for a couple days and go visit my brother in the next state. I don't wish to be no where around Benjamin Wayne for a spell! His daddy has many shotguns and well you know a shotgun does one no good without shotgun shells. There is an old saying my Pa used to tell me as he was whipping my buttocks with a hickory switch, "it hurts me worse than it does you!" Well seeing as how I ain't gonna take no chances I'll call Benjamin Wayne in a couple days!

Well all the time I was visiting my brother in the next state, I was hurting just like my Pa said! I was fretting, walking around, thinking Benjamin Wayne will never speak to me and probably will put a double barrel shotgun of pellets in my ass! I'm in a real quandary. I don't have my pick up truck. Here I sit hiding in another state driving my wife's Hyundai, I have sunk lower than him I now have destroyed two lives!

I cannot take it no more I drive back to Benjamin Wayne's to take my medicine. I rationalize the whole thing out driving back.... "He ainna gonna kill me, no way no how! He may put rock salt in the shells and powder my behind right good, whew-wee!!! He will make me pay sure enough! I'll give him my pick up truck, I just want my old pal back. I'll take my medicine like a man, yep that's settled!"

I drive up the driveway and low and behold there's Benjamin Wayne waxing my Silverado! It hasn't looked that good since they day I bought it second hand. I know he sees me but I'm biding my time until he acknowledges me. I mosey over to the front porch and watch Benjamin Wayne, he's singing. "Lord almighty," I have pushed him over the edge of insanity, what were I thinking? I go inside nod at Ma and Pa, get me a cool one out of the Frigidaire. I think "they sure don't make things like that Frigidaire any more" I go to the front porch and sit down, no Benjamin Wayne. "Oh shit!, he's gone after the shotgun, but I ain't leaving until this matter is settled." I take a drink out of my beer and cold water drowns my clothes. Benny has unleashed the hose on me, laughing as we once did, when we were young and full of ourselves! I go after him and we're rolling in the dirt wrestling, laughing! Ma and Pa come out to see what the ruckus is all about. Pa says "damn youngins ain't no good fer nothing, I want my beer replaced, Ben you get a job so's you can pay rent, and get that damn Mercedes Modern Art Sculpture out of my driveway!" 

 Y'ALL COME BACK NOW Y'HERE!!!   YoUr BeSt BuD.........................


  1. "...he has sunk to the bottom of the pond, from pondering too much" Brilliant!

  2. That pondering will do a person in for sure. I finally figured that out after pondering so much over the last couple of years. haha

    GREAT post big brother