This possibly has been the week to make or break me! I spent too long on my riding mower last week end, trying to get caught up on my mowing. Something about using it for more than a half hour at a time, aggravates an old back injury. Damn! Seems everything is old on me, plus I have many injured parts. That's not including my brain! You can be the judge on what kind of brain injuries, concussions, retardation, oh that's not the proper word of the modern society, challenged, whatever!!!
Before I proceed, I must tell you what I witnessed today. I had the hankerin (country word meaning want) fer, oh shit! I just felt my I. Q. lower substantially, I'm regressing to my ancestors, choice of words. That's okay, my mind's in the concussion mode, so hell, I'll go with it! Well isn't this just swell, I got sidetracked (actually I prefer sideswiped for future use.) once again, I plum forgot what the point was that I was going to make! Don't you just hate when that happens! It's as though my mind shut down, all of a sudden, as I was being being bombarded with too many thoughts. Damn! I hate when that happens! I'm confused enough normally, but when this happens, there ain't no hope! So what the !@#k, I'll go with it! Don't have a choice now do I? Nope! I've got myself so !@#$ed up with typing before I go to dreamland. It be the meds I take! Yeah, right! It be the natural me!!!
Before I was so rudely interrupted, by myself, I had the hankerin for some roast beef, shaved thin, just that nothing else. I left early for work to enjoy the sunny day, I was just sitting in my vehicle no hurry at all, in front of the supermarket. Directly in front of me was an older couple I would guess in their seventies. The man was pushing a cart with his cane in it. Let me rephrase that. He was headed into the store and leaning on the cart, ever so slowly dragging his feet. Poor man! He needs the stabiliy of the cart to proceed. This hit me hard, very hard, as my back was aching. I was walking without the aid of a cane but stiff and slightly bent to one side. On the other side of him was his spouse walking slower than the poor old fellow pushing his cart! She was walking with the aid of a cane. Standing straight, rather than humched over, but all too sadly dragging her feet! Tears come into to my eyes, too nuch realization, hitting me too hard, I could not control myself! If you read my post titled "The Now" The man upstairs was sending me a message! I receive it, all too clear! "The Now" from that moment shook the foundation of my heart reverberating into my soul!!!
Old age, we can't stop it! It gets all of us, in time doesn't it? I remember when I was a young whipper snapper (young pup) without aches and pains, I did not understand why old people walk funny, bent over and seem so out of it mentally!
I go inside the supermarket, the thought of the old couple fades. My quest is for roast beef hopefully to soothe my belly in addition to my heart, after my shedding of tears! (I'M AN OLD MAN BUT FIND MORE MEANING, MORE BEAUTY, MORE SADNESS OF LIFE, THAN EVER BEFORE!. MY HEART CRIES OUT, LIKE I NEVER THOUGHT POSSIBLE!) It's not meant to be. I'm at the speedy deli, where one person is filling orders on Friday afternoon, undoubtedly the busiest day of the week! I wait, until I could wait no longer, I grab a rotisserie chicken. If I would have stuck it out, I would of missed the main character of this story.
I hope I have your attention! The change of plans, due to my haste, places me behind an older gentleman, older than the couple I spoke of earlier. This man was bent at about a 90 degree angle from living life. He was slumped over his cart, which carries only donuts, a whole box full. The lid was not closed, seemed peculiar! I thought either he was having trouble closing, the stubborn box, or to show the cashier. He was slow, clearly having trouble with simple things, we take for granted! "How can that be?" you ask. It's called life! The aches, the pains, the fluidity of youth, has taken it's toll! His eyes also carry the visible effects of living so long! Paying for the donuts, placing them back in his cart, the lid not yet closed. He does manage with his billifold, although with not effortlessly! My heart is touched once again! My mind tells me "no hurry!" He proceeds to the parking lot as I pay for my rotisserie chicken. I catch up to him just in time to see him attempt getting in his car, parked in a handicapped spot. He suddenly realizes, it's not his car! It was a silver Toyota Camry. He moves over another row of cars, to a Chevrolet Cruz, this one, is his! I'm one row from him and have a clear view. I watch him with a heart full of compassion. He manages to get the box of donuts closed after many attempts, placing them in the backseat. He leans over the cart still at the 90 degree angle, pushing it a few feet away. He then leans on his car to get to the drivers side, all this time bent from lifes betrayal, of once a young man. He opens the door and lifts his right leg with his right hand to place his leg inside. He also uses his left hand to lift his left leg into the car. After much passing of time he slowly backs out and off he goes. The time spent before and after the supermarket, will never leave me. It registers a 10 on my heart scale!
AS I WRITE THIS, I SUFFER WITH MUCH PAIN, AT THE YOUNG AGE OF 60. I FEEL 80, AT TIMES. HOWEVER; I ENCOUNTER, AGE, AS, IT IS IN REAL TERMS! NOT PRETTY! NOT PRETTY AT ALL!!! THIS IS "THE NOW" I SPOKE OF, A FEW POSTS BACK. SEEMS, I WAS MEANT TO SEE THOSE TWO ENCOUNTERS! TWO DAYS LATER, I VISIT MY MOTHER, WHO IS IN HER EIGHTIES, WHO MOVES ABOUT WITH DIFFICULTY, LEANING ON FURNITURE TO GET THROUGH HER HOUSE. MAN OH MAN! IT HURTS! TO SEE REALITY! AGE SO UNFORGIVING! MY ONCE STAIGHT, SOUND MOTHER, REDUCED TO A FRACTION OF HER ONCE UPRIGHT SELF! I HEAR THE RINGING THROUGHOUT MY SOUL!___ MY HEART CRIES OUT!___ FOR ALL THE PEOPLE!___ I HAVE OVERLOOKED!___ OUT OF IGNORANCE!___ FROM BEING A YOUNG GLEN! I AM SLOWLY, BUT MOST CERTAINLY, JOINING THE RANKS, OF A ONCE GREAT ARMY, FULL OF YOUTHFUL EXUBERANCE! MY HEART CRIES OUT!___ I HURT FOR ALL!___ MY HEART'S BREAKING, AS IS, MY BODY. SEEING ALL, TOO UP CLOSE! IMPALES AN ARROW DEEP INTO MY HEART! I CURRENTLY STRUGGLE WITH ACHES AND PAINS. THE LIKES OF WHICH I'VE EXPERIENED ONLY A FEW TIMES, CAUSINGS ME TO WRESTLE WITH MY OWN MORTALITY, FOR THE SECOND TIME THIS YEAR! ONCE AGAIN I FIND MYSELF PUSHING MYSELF BEYOND MY BODY'S LIMITATIONS, THEREFORE SUFFERING FROM EXHAUSTION! THIS IS WHY I'M WORKING HARD TO CREATE A NEW ME, A MUCH HEALTHIER ONE, BY EATING THE WAY WE'RE SUPPOSE TO! AS I TYPE THIS POST I HAVE JUST AWAKENED FROM A SELF INDUCED MARATHON SLEEP-ATHON. ATTEMPTING TO RECAPTURE, WHAT I HAD ONLY TWO WEEKS AGO. I HAVE BEEN HIT HARD MENTALLY AND PHYSICALLY FOR A REASON, I KNOW THIS BECAUSE OF THOSE___"THE NOW"___ MOMENTS I'M CURRENTLY IN!!! HOW IT HURTS!!! DAMN!!!--- HOW IT HURTS!!! THERE IS NO GAIN WITHOUT THE PAIN! I FIGHT WITH EVERY CELL OF MY BODY!___ ISN'T IT SOO FUCKING FUNNY!!! THAT NO ONE CAN FEEL YOUR PAIN!___ SIMPLY PUT FORTH A STIFF UPPER LIP! TOO LIVE EVEY MOMENT OF EVERY DAY, WITH WHAT I HAVE EXPERIENCED THE LAST WEEK, WOULD BE TO WISH FOR RELIEF, OF ANY KIND! CURRENTLY CURLING UP UNDERNEATH A WARM QUILT IS MY ONLY RELIEF! AH! IF ONLY, I COULD SLEEP UNTIL MY BODY REJUVENATES ITSELF FROM THE EXHAUSTION I FIND MYSELF IN! ONLY DREAMS AND A WARM QUILT FILLS MY BILL AT THIS MOMENT!
NOT TO WORRY FOR GLEN! I WILL SURVIVE!!! I SIMPLY WISH TO CONVEY MY CURRENT THOUGHTS AND PREDICAMENT, I FIND MYSELF IN! WE'RE ONLY HUMAN, WITH HUMAN FRAILITIES! MY GOAL IS TO WRITE MY THOUGHTS, FOR OTHERS THAT MAY NOT BE ABLE TOO! THAT'S THE UNDERLYING REASON THAT HAS SEEN ME THROUGH THE CHALLENGES, AND GIVETH ME____ THE STRENGTH, TO WRITE GLEN VIEW AND ALL THE OBSTACLES I OVERCOME, TRUST ME WHEN I SAY THERE ARE MANY! ONE CAN NOT ACCURATELY DEPICT, WHAT THEY HAVE NOT GONE THROUGH! "THERE BE MANY YEARS LEFT IN THIS OLD CODGER," BELIEVE ME WHEN I SAY THAT! THE OLD SAYING "IT'S ALWAYS THE DARKEST BEFORE THE DAWN!" YES I THINK THAT'S TRUE! THAT'S WHERE I FIND MYSELF, ALONG WITH PROBABLY MILLIONS OF OTHERS! I SIMPLY WRITE OF THEM. IF YOU TO, ARE EXPERIENCING THE MANY CHALLENGING MOMENTS OF LIFE, AS I ONCE MORE FIND MYSELF IN! THE LIGHTHOUSE SENDS A LIGHT FROM OUT OF THE DARKNESS TO THE VASTNESS OF THE OCEAN, THEY GUIDE MANY LOST SHIPS TO THE SAFETY OF THE HARBOR! WOW AIN'T THAT COMFORTING OR WHAT???
i might feel at times it would be easier to cave in, there ain't no way! take this post as more positive than that! don't go away with negativity or sadness in your heart. i simply state the facts as i am living them! even as i lay my heart and soul out, for the whole world see, for some reason i sense that's my purpose! as one has a purpose in life they become stronger like the childhood story of "the little train that could." please don't make me have to tell you that story, because that little train did!! Goodnight my friends in the land of Blogdom! Glen