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Monday, December 26, 2011

Reflection,Timepieces, Death

I'm sitting here, in deep reflection, on Christmas morn. It's 3 am, I have most unusual sleep patterns from the crazy hours I must work. This is both good and bad! My thoughts are now snail like. Believe me when I say that's a much sought after blessing for me! All my life, my mind has run like an out of sync watch, moving much too fast, headed for a early blow out of the main gear! I've tried unsuccessfully to run normal time. (Believe me when I say I've tried!!!) Envious of normal timepieces and in particular the slow easy timepieces! I'm convinced years are added because of their slower running gears! Happy go lucky, not hurrying! An unknown, un-needed, un-necessary and un-understandable to the slow moving timepieces! (I hope you haven't missed my point on the un-wanted too fast part here!)

The quality of the pieces that go into the manufacturing of fine timepieces is the secret! I'm not talking the modern electronic computer pieces. I'm talking the lost art of fine Swiss movements. Only the best, every minuscule component made with craftsmanship. (Pride and love, beautiful words, don't you think!) Expertly assembled with magnification attention to details! Assembled in a contaminant free environment. These contaminants hold the secret! Giving the ideal manufacturing assembly the best chance for a long healthy smooth existence. Better still, adding extra time beyond the average life!

Wow! We're not really talking about timepieces here are we? Why is reflection necessary? We reflect to improve our frailties in life striving to do better! Of course! Why is it that we seem to never succeed in doing, what we most want! Please tell me! I have searched for the answer as long as I can remember! I'm tired and worn out! I feel like my heart's going to explode trying to accomplish the one thing I wish for, more than anything "peace!" No matter what I do, I do with all my heart! My strength leads to my weakness! In everything I try, I give all! Not just physical but with my heart, mind and soul! Example, I get upset to this day with individuals that give only a fraction! I question how can they live with themselves, giving less than their best? I cannot tolerate laziness in a working environment! As a child I always gave my best at all endeavors. You see this is where I get into trouble! My give it all attitude doesn't work well with some! I'm not in management and laziness drives me crazy! (Now you understand why I'm nuts and my blog is called Glen View!) One of my favorite scenes in the movie Lonesome Dove, is where Tommy Lee Jone's character Captain Call says, "I cannot tolerate rudeness in a man!" I suppose we all have our moments! (If we care, don't we!) What makes me strive do my best, is what keeps me going at times! The flip side is, I cannot tolerate laziness!

People only giving partially of themselves is beyond my comprehension! I lack the capability physically as I age but my mind gives all! (Why do I feel the need to apologize for that!!!) My mind continues to learn and expand while my body dies! My heart's deeply saddened! I'm going to tell you something that happened Christmas Eve this year. A true yet sadly troubling experience for me!!!

I'm out doing some last minute Christmas shopping and headed over to my Mother's for a spell, time is 3 pm. I have been having some trouble with my automobile/van; however I must do some errands. My van dies at the busiest intersection in my community and refuses to start! Picture this, Christmas Eve, a man (me) that has white hair and a white beard pushing single handily a Van thru the busiest intersection in my city! No one offers a hand! By the time this old Santa who has an enlarged aorta gets the van into the parking lot of a convenience store, I can't breathe! I gasp for air believing this is it! My heart's pounding out of my chest, I have weakness in my legs and dizziness! I'm about to pass out! I think, I'm gonna die on Christmas Eve, alone in a convenience store parking lot! I've always envisioned passing away peacefully in my sleep. That would be the best way to go, or slowly disappearing with love ones holding my hand, feeling their love as I fade. Dying in the parking lot of a convenience store was never thought of! The last page in my life's about to conclude as people scurry all around me. What seems forever! My body's in shock, as I lose body control! At that moment, I find strength pull myself out of van, somewhere! I steady myself on the door thinking fight! Fight! I have no idea how long all this is taking! Thoughts race through my mind! I'm not going to die here like this, I tell myself! Not on Christmas Eve in bright sunshine! I'm burning up, as my body is completely off kilter! I throw off my coat and force myself to take deep breaths! I'm pass out dizzy as I steady myself with the door! I see shadows all around me! I laugh people scurrying, talking on their cellphones, oblivious to Santa dying around them! My chest's on fire, feels double in size, as tight as a drum! My breathing slows and becomes deeper, my heart begins to slow down, my dizziness retreats! Many hours later as I'm taking a nap, I ponder upon this real nightmare, I'm extremely saddened! Has my small world been reduced to this? People talking on their cellphones so immersed with meaningless chatter to fill their gratification of nothingness that they cannot see something happening in real time right in front of them! Sadly with a heavy heart, I vote Yes!

 I cry for the loss of friends this holiday season and with the impact of what I came close too! I suppose this last year I've been  preparing myself for the inevitable with family illness, my own problems and recent deaths to someone my exact age that I worked with and my loyal best friend. Perhaps I've become to soft and lost touch with the times I must live in. I plead guilty! Maybe I dream of forgotten times or perhaps other dimensions! Quite possibly I belong somewhere else other than here! I do not know or understand! I reckon I'm a dreamer! For that I'm eternally grateful! I'd rather go through life sensing a purpose and giving my all, whether I'm right or wrong!


1 comment:

  1. This made me cry.... sorry, I can't really comment except to say I am glad you are alive.