The definition of jealousy is, resentfully suspicious of rivalry or resentfully envious. It is a frailty that creates havoc, a lot I suspect. As bad as I hate to admit it I realize that a certain untamed emotion has been gnawing away at me for quite some time. Jealousy is normal in childhood, right. However I’m not sure growing older changes that emotion. As we age do we use excuses to disguise jealousy because we do not wish to admit it, I don’t admit to jealousy easily. It literally hit me like a ton of bricks. While watching the young ones where I am employed, I truly realized I am growing old. In the yearly countdown I’m not ancient as in the pyramids but thinking back to when I was let’s say 20 years old. I’m rather positive I would have considered 59 “old”.
Mentally I should act my age, yeah right! like age grows wisdom for certain emotions. Jealous at which those young bodies can perform with apparent ease like I once could. My body creaks and groans and I must double up on Aleve to get through my day. They simply stop in their tracks to tie their shoes. (I must look for something off the floor to prop my leg up to tie my shoes). I resort to my mind and my experience to tell myself I’m a fine wine getting better with age, yeah, sure who the hell do I think I’m fooling, I’m fricking old!
As I witness their youthful thirst and the freshness of life I cry out! Amazing childlike innocence still prevails, man am I seriously jealously disturbed!!!
Professor Phil an inner voice reminds me “you have the wisdom acquired through age”.
(I bet you can guess my answer). “The hell with wisdom, I’ll take youthful exuberance, youthful naivete any day.
I have been jealous all my life but try to hide it, instead of having an outlet to release the inner demands of destruction, in my case high blood pressure. That I ‘m sure has lead to my current dilemma physically, an enlarged Aorta. I have asked my physician many times to prescribe a nerve pill to take during working hours. Who knows me better than me? Apparently years of medical school trump my inner understanding of myself. I bet-cha he will prescribe them suckers now! Seems a case of “too little too late”. I think, no I know my father died from the demons of self- inflicted inner stress. UNFORTUNATELY THERE IS NO DOUBT. After 59 years of being in my body who would know me better.
Blame, I reckon there is no one to really blame. That’s just another meaningless emotion. If I blame someone or something that just fuels the flame, doesn’t it! One thing is “deathly” certain I now recognize the problem. But can one overcome self- inflicted life threatening bad habits and start over at my age.
I write this with an air of certainty but only because of my new hobby of writing and new found self- diagnosis. Ain’t that a hoot! Maybe some wisdom does come with age if you live long enough. If I can recapture my humor plus have you out there in the Blogosphere read my stories and perspectives. Shucks I don’t know what to call my meandering neanderthal untrained style of simple humor and ramblings. If it salvages an old man and brings a laugh or smile I am tickled plum to death.Human frailties are inevitable. If you think not, you haven’t suffered or as yet recognized them. Tormented souls most certainly can overcome adversities and learn to appreciate life anew. Perhaps there lies the ultimate reward. One could never appreciate the everyday pleasures that await your enjoyment that have always existed. THANK YOU FOR TUNING IN, YA’ALL COME BACK NOW YA HEAR. Glen