I may never achieve my actual quest of why I felt the need to write my thoughts and emotions. Seems I must though! I wish to give it up and say, "why the hell?" My life's work could be summed up as a man of many emotions. It's fun and heartbreaking at the same time. A flip in my head switches and against my will I change. I'm sure the Pill Pushers of today have a pill for me. I don't want a fucking pill. I simply wish to be me!
That's what I want to come through in my writings, ramblings, whatever it is . . . I do. I'm an individual, it's that individual I wish to appear to you. Like me or hate me doesn't matter as long as you get to know me. The only way to know me is through this format. The problem is I'm getting on in years and have some health problems. Nothing major, just many ones that grind away at my body and soul. No one truly knows me, it's not about understanding me, it's simply to see me for what I am, no airs. Naked, laid bare to the bone, from life's struggles. If someone identifies and I actually can come across for insight or better still, help someone, then all is worth.
See it's when I bare my heart to the world, I'm free! At this desk my mind goes wild with so many thoughts and emotions rising to the forefront, saying, "me . . . me . . . me . . ." My mind swirls like a whirlpool.
An example is just now a scene from a recent dream pops into my mind, emotionally and visually a fantastic one. A look at how my sister who died when I was seven looks as a grownup. Never in all this years have I experienced such a thing. I've only remembered her as she looked in the casket. Now I can retain her as a grownup and a real beauty I might say! Is that a wonderful scene and emotion to appear when you're feeling blue!!!
This is why I must write, ONLY . . . my fingers cannot keep up. I struggle immensely from beginning my endeavor too late in life. As a young man typing was a girlie thing, you know! Men worked in factories, were electricians, mechanics! How's typing gonna pay off for a poor boy, ya see! No one envisioned the information age of today. Televisions were ancient tube technology, little rectangular, gizmos, like the new phones with the computers inside, pleeaassee!!!
You see I ramble and it's the type of rambling and excitement that builds up inside me when I really get a going. I've only scratched the surface of, so far! I suppose I've always lived within my turtle shell for protection and never understood why? It was needed simply for survival. Many complications of childhood through today, so what's new to that "WE ALL HAVE THEM!" Right, that's my point I wish to share and we may help each other in the process!
There's nothing I love better than a good conversation. Especially when two grownups are talking grownup things! Ya know what I'm saying not, the weather, sports, political, religion thing, ya know!
The book Crime And Punishment laid my heart open. The thoughts, patterns and emotions, challenging Raskolnikov was me. How so? For the first time in my life thoughts like his were mine! We're taught/brainwashed to be a certain way. We do not know, that we are, who we are around, a byproduct of that environment and all the environments we go though. HUH! "You know what I'm saying!!! Don't you?"
DAMN IT! WE'RE ALL INDIVIDUALS, AND THAT INDIVIDUALITY MUST COME OUT!!!
I practiced my typing skills, (rather lack of skills!) by typing 200 pages of the actual book Crime And Punishment last year, starting in January. Why? Well I gained more insight, into it, by retracing it as slow as my typing allowed. It's not a book to speed through. You need to have some living under your belt to properly understand. The fact it is 150 years old is only a challenge in your modern head. The brilliant writing and heartfelt emotions are real for today. After typing half the book, I now know I needed a break from it, and life. Challenging both . . . to say the least! I was getting a lot of hits and the fact that people from around the world was reading Dostoesvky's work was heartwarming and well worth my time. I keep that copy given to me by a friend on my desk.
I have many stories and thoughts to tell you. So many I will never get through them! Ah, but that's the fun of it! To simply sit down every night and type, what I want! Professional writers like in newspapers are paid to write and can cross all the t's and dot all the i's. But it's their job and they must write stories assigned by Editors most likely. "Frankly my dear, I'd rather be me!" For it's the endeavor of experiencing "THE QUEST OF UNDERSTANDING MYSELF, THAT KEEPS ME, A GOING!"
What I ask of you my friends, is read my true emotions and not the many mistakes I have made and will make, for I give you my heart, and hopefully enough of my brain to accomplish my quest!!!!!