I just can't get over tiredness. Tired of everything, life, health, trying to keep at bay the mental disillusionment of what I've become. I think about it often, but try not to dwell upon it. When I hit the big mat for a full ten count a couple years ago, it would of been better, to stay down and not get back up. No pain just the big knock out out and that's it. There has been two in-laws die in the last six weeks and one cannot help but think about such things. Damn it! I'm just fucking tired of trying, why do so?
Wouldn't it be nice to be dreaming a fantastic dream and just slide into that dream, dying in your sleep. Yes the dream becomes your new life where you stay forever. Wow! wouldn't that be nice.
I'm thinking out loud to you just like we're having a conversation in person.
Seems dying doesn't bother me, it's the suffering that erodes all of what once was. I've slipped mentally, physically, everything is a chore any more, with no desire for anything. That's not living, that's purely existing!
Once I had hopes, dreams, things to accomplish, after all I have a lifetime ahead of me. Then one day all that was, gone, life had taken its toil. Where did I go wrong? Well when your young you don't take age into consideration. You cannot understand what you've not experienced. Funerals bring sadness of lost ones, however you tell yourself "I'm young, my life lies ahead."
To do life over retaining the knowledge learned, definitely yes. To do over again the same, no thanks! Ya see just putting one foot in front of the other some days hurts so fricking bad, I don't want to! I will continue because I must. Living a little is better than no living, or is it? I question everything in life but know nothing.
I'd like to say I don't care any more, sadly I still do. I wish I did not! Just say fuck it! I can say those words easily but their not the way I feel.
HEY! I tell this not for pity. My true thoughts are important to me and I wish to give you the pure truth in my posts. All will go through the same emotions before the end.