Sunday, November 16, 2014
RAMBLINGS OF AN OLD MAN!
NO! I've not retired from posting. I may be retarded, but have always been! My days are so boring there's nothing that interest me enough to write about. I tire of the same thoughts. Damn I need something, to get mad about, dreams to write about.
I have been depressed for over a week. Why? I'm not rightly sure. Boredom has hit me hard, its more than that. Is it just another one of my bipolar escapades, that always come and go? Probably. Being off work seems to be troubling me. I think to myself, "I have nothing to be depressed about and really don't think I should after my experiences of the last couple months," well now that doesn't seem to change a thing!!!
I have been depressed many, many, times before, so why should now be any different? Just is! I am regaining my health back slowly, so why should I be depressed?
Am I expecting my life to become different after my taste of beyond? Maybe, seems like it should . . .
somehow!
My sleeping habits and dreams are all messed up. I used to sleep during the day and my dreams were off the dream-o-meter charts. Now I have gone back to normal nighttime sleeping hours. My dreams are mostly gone, rather the remembrance of them the next morning. I always had the most amazing dreams, they seem to, be such an important part of me, dream therapy so to speak.
Possibly the feeling of being unimportant, is taking its toil. I've never been off work for more than vacation time, a few days for illness, or a old person's medical procedures.
Cold weather has hit and snowing as I type, doesn't help the depression any.
WHY AM I DOWN IN THE DUMPS SO TO SPEAK?
Nothing excites me, I don't feel right to feel sorry for myself. I'm earning a full paycheck as I rehabilitate, After over 40 years I've earned that, ah! but that be somewhat hard to take.
The fullness, and the frenzied emotions I sometimes would come home with are gone. Is that all I am? That's so sad if that is the case!
The complexities of life makes me feel alive. The stress factor will kill ya, but without heartfelt emotions to guide our mind and soul are we just a lower form of animal, existing only for survival and reproduction of our species?
Only one thing comes out as I try to type since September 17 of this year. I grow tired of that! I wish to get back to the fun I once had by coming home and letting my mind take me to uncharted territories even for me.
The stream of consciousness must be full of curves, log jams, everything under the sun. It becomes just boring filler like a newspaper if not. I used to love reading the newspaper. I felt informed, I was training my mind to learn something about everything. For out there lies a world to be understood. I felt informed. If it was printed in a newspaper it must be real and news worthy. Then one day I woke up from my self-induced dream of believing in only the good of the mass media. I was a first grader at the age of 50, believing in all the schooling programmed into me. If learned educated people with all these initials behind their names, "they must know, for I am but a poor old country boy!"
DO I HAVE ENOUGH LEFT IN MY, MIND, BODY, AND SOUL TO GIVE TO ANYBODY, A REASON FOR ME TO CARRY ON INTO EXTRA INNINGS, GIVEN TO ME?
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Don't be so hard on yourself Glen. It is common to experience depression after having a heart attack. I have unfortunately known several people who had heart attacks and then became depressed for awhile. I don't know if it is totally physical or partly mental. I would think it is a little of both. I have also seen the same people come out of that depression.
ReplyDeleteKeep getting up everyday, do what you are physically able to do. Sit down and start typing, even if you don't "feel" it. Just type, whatever. Keep writing. This is the same advice you gave me when I went through my depression.
You will get back to your old self. I totally believe that. It just takes time.
You are a man who has worked all his life. It is hard to have the brakes put on you so suddenly. But sometimes I think our body does something to us when we need to slow down for awhile , and take care of ourselves.
Hang in there my dear friend and keep going, you will get to the end of this tunnel and the light will be there again.
By the way, I have enjoyed your blogs since you got back to writing. It is just a different aspect of this wonderful man who I call Professor, a different part of you coming out in your writing.
Thanks, a lot C. I have been depressed before, one that lasted for a long, long time. I believe I will try posting more, hoping to release, not darkness, more of a sense of non-worth, close to the end, kind of thing, not wanting the same environment as I let myself into at work before. I must change that to make what I've been through successful, and that my dear friend is what I fear the most!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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