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Saturday, November 29, 2014

A Mind . . . Stuck

I sit here drawing blanks. What can I say, that's not been said before? Apparently nothing! Every day is the same. I seem to be lost in the land of limbo. I sleep, eat, take my many pills, exercise, watch television looking for something to spark my brain. My body is not ready to return to work nor is my mind. I'm stuck in a rut and cannot see beyond, nor wish to look back. I'm existing but need more than that!

I cut myself ever so slightly opening a can of dog food, a tiny cut that would not stop bleeding. Several hours later I check my glucose and could not get enough blood to get a reading. I stuck different fingers a total of four times and not even a drop to get a reading on my glucose monitor. I find that kinda funny, opposites, is me. I am a man of opposites continually opposing ME!

After my recent ordeal with death, for some reason I convinced myself there was a purpose, somehow. Another opportunity to do the same or an opportunity at enlightenment, I wait for the enlightenment, I need the enlightenment otherwise the same as before, as always, will be the death of me.

To always follow the same worn path seems meaningless. Back to the same schedule of working, existing, until death takes me, simply another old man waiting.

I search to explain what is truly on my mind. It seems somewhat shutdown. I tire of thinking, I tire of trying to make sense of any, and all things. I wish for the existing without thought like an assembly line worker that's done the job so long it's automatic. Thinking, making sense where there is no sense seems fruitless. Another day comes, sleep becomes longer, no reason to hurry out of bed.

I'm not asking for any kind of pity. I simply place my thoughts for all to see. Returning to work, to the vast sea of no sense, does not thrill me at all! I know I must, for that's all I've ever known!! 

1 comment:

  1. Lately I have not had anything on my mind worth writing about either. Don't be too hard on yourself my friend. Words will come eventually. Wasn't it you who talked about your mom telling you she was thinking about nothing once? Maybe your mind just doesn't want to think right now. I don't know.

    How strange that you would bleed so much and then not bleed at all !