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Saturday, December 20, 2014

True to one's, self!

Once . . . I had my favorite time to jot down some thoughts, Now that I have anytime, I have nothing to say. I need a reason something to shake me up. Well, I don't want a reason to be shook up. No longer anyhow. It is actually a challenge of a different kind, of which I've never experienced. I sleep when I want, I eat when I want. I live without a set schedule. Perhaps I can actually grasp the old saying "The Life Of Riley." Actually . . . I never thought I would be in this position. Life has put me in this position, so I reckon I'll grasp it and go with the flow. Not much else to do, too old to start over, plus my desire, my faith in humanity escapes me now. The right thing, is a lost, forgotten phrase.

Seems I have lived a lifetime of emotions, physical and some very personal issues, I thought would never happen, this year. Well . . .  was I fucking wrong! There are some options, I chose not to follow, I'm tired you see, tired of fighting for what's mine. I'm old, give out! I have experienced places few go, to return again. I'm no smarter, just more tired you see. To fight for what's right, seems so meaningless, as the tides roll in with more of the continual erosion of ethics. I am but one finger attempting to keep the levee intact. Can't be done! My hope, enthusiasm, my zest for life has been depleted. A lifetime, plus another lifetime, rolled into the last three months or so has drained me. To fight now will only deplete the life's reserves I may have left. I have fought my own battles for too long, my armor, by sword can no longer be held, it drags behind me as a reminder that I no longer wish to carry. Can't if I'm to live again for whatever time I have left. I wish with all my heart I could believe as so many seem to. I must think through my heart the way I've always thought. I must live within me and be satisfied with what I feel and think. After all justice of heart is a just soul, and if there is a power that can read my heart, then I wish to be not another hypocrite as I feel so many are!


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