A Mind . . . Stuck

I sit here drawing blanks. What can I say, that's not been said before? Apparently nothing! Every day is the same. I seem to be lost in the land of limbo. I sleep, eat, take my many pills, exercise, watch television looking for something to spark my brain. My body is not ready to return to work nor is my mind. I'm stuck in a rut and cannot see beyond, nor wish to look back. I'm existing but need more than that!

I cut myself ever so slightly opening a can of dog food, a tiny cut that would not stop bleeding. Several hours later I check my glucose and could not get enough blood to get a reading. I stuck different fingers a total of four times and not even a drop to get a reading on my glucose monitor. I find that kinda funny, opposites, is me. I am a man of opposites continually opposing ME!

After my recent ordeal with death, for some reason I convinced myself there was a purpose, somehow. Another opportunity to do the same or an opportunity at enlightenment, I wait for the enlightenment, I need the enlightenment otherwise the same as before, as always, will be the death of me.

To always follow the same worn path seems meaningless. Back to the same schedule of working, existing, until death takes me, simply another old man waiting.

I search to explain what is truly on my mind. It seems somewhat shutdown. I tire of thinking, I tire of trying to make sense of any, and all things. I wish for the existing without thought like an assembly line worker that's done the job so long it's automatic. Thinking, making sense where there is no sense seems fruitless. Another day comes, sleep becomes longer, no reason to hurry out of bed.

I'm not asking for any kind of pity. I simply place my thoughts for all to see. Returning to work, to the vast sea of no sense, does not thrill me at all! I know I must, for that's all I've ever known!! 

Late night thinkin' !!!!!

Okay! okay! okay! I've had enough of this shit! I pretty much quit going to W Mart for a number of reasons. I went there last night at 2 AM. They have monopolized the retail industry in many places. I had to check myself out! Duh! I don't want to be a cashier and bag boy! I said "I'm not returning and did  not for a long time.

Over the years you've read many articles about the way they treat there employees. I know nothing about this, luckily I don't work there!

I'm talkin' as customer, former customer! Their just so handy, their the only retail on my side of town. I believe that's the idea run every other store into bankruptcy.

There is no customer service any more! I'm sure we all have had umpteen problems dealing with all types of service.

I'm tired of many things damn!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 

Headlines seems for forever have talked about immigration, gay rights, health care, smoking, illegal drugs, legal drugs, the list goes on and on!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

BUT nothing is ever done about it!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

When we think of immigration we think of the ones from south of the border. Why, because their extremely poor people trying to earn a living at the lowest pay.

Why not really make a dent on the war on illegal drugs, and invade Mexico, fix the drug problem? Ainna never, gonna happen. Too much money involved, greasing the right wheels, I mean lining the right pockets!

Fix the drug problem and give the poor people jobs!

Nobody is serious about fixing the drug problems!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

In my hometown in the Midwest, we have more people from Japan, India, and China doing the technical work as in Engineering and such, more than the poor from Mexico.

The consensus is here in the United States we are not smart enough to do them any more!!!!!!

I find that hilarious as the amount of money being poured into the school systems, education in general, and our I. Q.'s is going into the crapper.

Whaaaaaaaaaaat the fuck be the problem?

Here in my state they want to fund pre-school. I for one say no. We have kinder garden, I do not wish to pay for baby sitting for others. The parents, or the way it is any more, parent must work with their children.

Throwing more and more money is not going to fix the problem. Our Politicians believe in fairy tales, they think money grows on trees, and is printed as needed. Oops that's what their doing!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I think we ought to take high school graduates and let them be Senators and Congressmen. As far as the Executive Branch, huuuuuum, I gotta think on that one.

I bet you could take sixth graders and do a better job!

All these highly trained monkeys I I I I  I I . . .  mean Politicians.

You know . . .  I don't know what they do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Everything they deal with, seems to get more and more screwed up!

YOU KNOW I'VE FINALLY COME TO THE AGE THAT I KNOW N-O-T-H-I-N-G! I FREELY ADMIT IT! WHATS THEIR EXCUSE?

 Oh my . . . my stream of consciousness be a flowin' this AM Sunday morning!

I'M TIRED IN A DIFFERENT WAY THAN WHAT I HAVE TALKED ABOUT IN MANY OF MY PREVIOUS POST. I'M TIRED OF GETTING UP EVERY DAY AND PUTTING MY GAME FACE ON. 

I'M TIRED OF ALL THE BULL ONE MUST WORK THROUGH JUST TO LIVE ANOTHER DAY, ONE WONERS IS IT WORTH IT OR NOT? 

FROM THE SIMPLEST JOB TO THE LEADERS OF ALL LANDS, THE AMOUNT OF CRAP SHALL INHERIT THE EARTH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Little Asshole!

My Terrier/Jack Russell is faster than I am. I have a fenced in back yard where I let him out, but he slipped through me and got out the other door. Well once in a great while he does manage to do this and he's off a runnin' and a runnin' and all sense he has, runs away, he only knows, just a runnin, a free bird, oopsey free! Last night it is was about 14 degrees, if he would of snuck out, he would not stayed out long, however it's about 40 right now and I cannot get him to come to me. Jack is his name and I rescued him awhile back. He has sense inside, but when he feels the ground under his paws all sense dissipates into ancestor wild dog thing.  ( Little asshole! )

I went outside several times, enticing him to come to me. NOPE. he gotta be who he be, a wild dog fer a spell. FINALLY he decides,   "I best mind or no food for me tonight!"  ( Little asshole! )

The last time he got out I found him growling at two German Shepherds, apparently he don' know his size! I managed to get a hold of him and scowled him all the way home.  ( I doubt he cared at all, felt so good he had to run. )     ((( Little asshole! )))

Once he came home after his run-about, looking like a baby pig in mud. Straight to the rub-a-dub-dub-little-piggy-tub.

Another time during a cold snow he timed the door just right and off on a run-about he goes. I laughed to myself, "he won't be gone long, too darn cold for a run-about."  Sure-nuff, I stayed at the door and about a minute later he came to the door a barkin'.  I asked him "too cold fer ya huh?"  He come in shaking snow off, like a shakin' water off.

But Wait There's More!!!!

GOSH DARN IT!   Once more, I'm at a lost,    ( That sums up me whole life! )  what to write, without the emotional challenges of work, I'm stuck, big time! I don't like it! Surely I'm more than work?

I've never been through such trials of the last couple months, but damn it does do, things to your mind! ( I love that, does do thing, I just did! Does-do, does-do, ah, ha, ha, ha! I've gone completely nuts! )

I would describe the first week of being off as "HUH?" I knew nothing!

Second week was hope, turn despair. Home for a couple days and the side effects of medication saw me returning to a bigger, SMARTER, big city hospital.   "Hallelujah!"

Maybe I best do a short summary for y'all that don't follow me blog regularly.

I was found laying on the floor at work turning blue, a couple friends done C. P. R. until help arrived, I was shocked with defibrillators from the firemen, and in the ambulance on the way to the hospital and again at the hospital, where I was placed on life support, for about four days. I was down for the count, and miraculously recovered. Eight days, many tests and medicines later I was sent home.

BUT wait . . . there's more!

How can I top, coming back?

Sunday after coming home on Thursday I was coughing up blood with small chunks of important inner stuff, and bleeding internally. Another ride in the ambulance but my county hospital sent me to the big city hospital. Well they pumped this here old man's insides with blood, and other good stuff. After another eight day stay, I returned home.   "Ain't no place like home!"  

So after about three weeks into my game of being a Doctors toy, and knock, knock, knocking at death's doors, I return home so weak I could not walk unaided. My energy level was maybe a 5 out of a hundred.

Its been close to eight weeks now, slowly my strength returns. Boredom is sitting in. Please don't feel sorry for me, it was inevitable until my strength is back and complications are resolved.

I paid a visit Friday night to work, breaking up the doldrums, seems it be the same o, same o. I do not miss the crap, but do miss working. Many of my fellow workers talk to me, guess what, it was not good! Compared to what I've been through I feel somewhat stupid mentioning it, but it's true.

I have a feeling this holiday season will be my most memorable since my childhood. Already, I wish to put the tree up, I'm serious. My wife thinks I'm off my rocker but I don't care!

I know I ramble but that's me.

I wish not, to return, to normal, I know not what normal is? If normal is, what I come into contact and work with everyday I wish to stay me!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I love dreams and a good imagination, that's what I shall live for until the end.

WHAT HAVE I LEARNED?

Enough to write a book, yet meaningless! I have always tried to share in my everyday world, of which I've learned in the college of Hard Knocks!

RAMBLINGS OF AN OLD MAN!

NO! I've not retired from posting. I may be retarded, but have always been! My days are so boring there's nothing that interest me enough to write about. I tire of the same thoughts. Damn I need something, to get mad about, dreams to write about.

I have been depressed for over a week. Why? I'm not rightly sure. Boredom has hit me hard, its more than that. Is it just another one of my bipolar escapades, that always come and go? Probably. Being off work seems to be troubling me. I think to myself,  "I have nothing to be depressed about and really don't think I should after my experiences of the last couple months," well now that doesn't seem to change a thing!!!

I have been depressed many, many, times before, so why should now be any different? Just is! I am regaining my health back slowly, so why should I be depressed?

Am I expecting my life to become different after my taste of beyond? Maybe, seems like it should . . .
somehow!

My sleeping habits and dreams are all messed up. I used to sleep during the day and my dreams were off the dream-o-meter charts. Now I have gone back to normal nighttime sleeping hours. My dreams are mostly gone, rather the remembrance of them the next morning. I always had the most amazing dreams, they seem to, be such an important part of me, dream therapy so to speak.

Possibly the feeling of being unimportant, is taking its toil. I've never been off work for more than vacation time, a few days for illness, or a old person's medical procedures.

Cold weather has hit and snowing as I type, doesn't help the depression any.

WHY AM I DOWN IN THE DUMPS SO TO SPEAK?

Nothing excites me, I don't feel right to feel sorry for myself. I'm earning a full paycheck as I rehabilitate, After over 40 years I've earned that, ah! but that be somewhat hard to take.

The fullness, and the frenzied emotions I sometimes would come home with are gone. Is that all I am? That's so sad if that is the case!

The complexities of life makes me feel alive. The stress factor will kill ya, but without heartfelt emotions to guide our mind and soul are we just a lower form of animal, existing only for survival and reproduction of our species?

Only one thing comes out as I try to type since September 17 of this year. I grow tired of that! I wish to get back to the fun I once had by coming home and letting my mind take me to uncharted territories even for me.

The stream of consciousness must be full of curves, log jams, everything under the sun. It becomes just boring filler like a newspaper if not. I used to love reading the newspaper. I felt informed, I was training my mind to learn something about everything. For out there lies a world to be understood. I felt informed. If it was printed in a newspaper it must be real and news worthy. Then one day I woke up from my self-induced dream of believing in only the good of the mass media. I was a first grader at the age of 50, believing in all the schooling programmed into me. If learned educated people with all these initials behind their names,  "they must know, for I am but a poor old country boy!"

DO I HAVE ENOUGH LEFT IN MY, MIND, BODY, AND SOUL TO GIVE TO ANYBODY, A REASON FOR ME TO CARRY ON INTO EXTRA INNINGS, GIVEN TO ME?

THE SEARCH FOR INTELLIGENCE

My day to day routine is simple, too simple, sleep, take medicine, get some exercise, but be careful to not over do it, rest, visit my mother, basically make every new day a tad better than the day before, as I slowly get back into the flow of life.

My family, especially my wife have been truly wonderful during my period of downtime.

"Downtime," sheesh! I ain't no old machine, that breaks down and needs repairing from time to time!

Well now after a spell of a pondering ( that be a thinkin' ) upon it, I reckon I am an old machine! I've seen better days, but still can putter around and earn my livin', even if I had to walk with a cane!

"""I GOT D-E-T-E-R-M-I-N-A-T-I-O-N"""  (Is that good or bad? )

I'm not a goner, ( dead ) and have some things to prove, if only to myself. When I must stop, then, I'll be a dead for sure. Gotta keep plugging away!  Gonna stoke that old boiler fill with fuel for another go round, yes I am! Shoot for a few more Christmas Holidays, I love riding around looking at the houses all lite up in their finest. Still gives me the same warmth I felt as a kid. The child in me still liveth, I hope it never stops. My mind flashes the child like ways, better than the mind robbing stress of being a adult, with not one fricking thing we can do about it! Newspapers, evening news, news on my home page is all shite!

Apparently the ones in charge of all medias think we're eight year olds!

Where did that come from? I search for intelligence but find STUPIDITY!!!!

I have had plenty of time to kill, I have definitely killed it big time. I search for intelligence inside the boob tube, instead find a show called "Naked and Afraid!"

I search for documentaries and find "The Search for Bigfoot."  (Shaquille O'Neal is retired from basketball, leave him alone,) HAHAHA!

What is it with all these crime, autopsy shows? How many different ways can you show a dead, decaying body?

Reality shows, my ass! I live in reality baby, let them come film me at the factory I work in! It would work as a scared straight program for young ones to stay in school!

Some of these reality shows show millionaires living in mansions. How the hell is poor dumbasses like me supposed to identify with rich ass folks?

Rich ass spoiled women going out to lunch, getting their hair and nails done driving Mercedes. Give us poor folks a break, we drive American cars, shop and get our hair done at Super cuts, for twenty dollars, go to lunch at Taco Bell.

Moonshiners making moonshine in the hills, well golly! I don't give a rats ass!

Don't say too much for the intelligence of the Sheriff Department, who cannot catch them, the show is televised the    Duke's of Hazzard Deputies     can't find them!

I like The Discovery Channel, Animal Planet, Documentaries, shows where I might learn something.
I like a good comedy, please tell me if you find one!!!! Occasionally I'll watch a movie, but the commercials ruin the story for me.

Speaking of commercials, I don't know why anybody would be sick or die! They have medicines that will cure everything, yeah! according to them nobody should ever be sick! After the late night pill pushing commercial, will be a commercial for Lawyers suing the drug industry, wanting you to call them.

DO YOU SEE THE SIDE EFFECTS OF THESE MEDICINES? THE CURE BE WORSE THAN THE AILMENT!      Goodnight, sleep tight, AND DON'T FORGET AN OLD MAN ( THAT BE ME ) HERE ON GLENVIEW. 

CELEBRATE, DANCE TO THE MUSIC!

A big HELLO . . .  my friends of the world. When I began this endeavor of mine, my goal was rather simple, teach myself to type, and a new hobby in my olden days. I could no longer do the physical hobbies I once loved. I'm a modest living humble person, a poor man raised in an even poorer environment with even poorer ancestors.

"How poor?"

Thanks for asking. My grandmother and grandfather on my daddy's side lived off a few acres of land, no indoor plumbing, electricity. They grew their food, canned for winter, raised animals and hunt for survival. I know seems so unbelievable by the modern standards of my generation. We here in my country are spoiled, this still goes on in much of the world.

DAMN, I have no idea where me meandering is going, just a talkin' to you, my friends. I have no control over me mind once my fingers start to walk upon my keyboard. However I sometimes get a real kick out of where I go!

I'm a Scorpio and soon I'll celebrate another birthday. Its not the number of candles that matter, it's the being around, to blow them suckers out, that's what I be a talkin' about!  HALLELUJAH! brothers and sisters!

I MAY DO ME SOME   T-E-S-T-I-F-Y-I-N-G TONIGHT, UM-HUH!

As a child my family worshiped God at a little country church, of the Pentecostal persuasion, where testifying was a regular part of the service. Humm? I wonder if y'all know what I be a talkin' about? Testifying is like a soul cleansing, where you stand up and give thanks to God, it gives the congregation a real inner high as they get involved, sayin'  "Amen"  when they feel what the one that be a testifying is all about, sometimes it becomes really spiritual.
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                A TESTIFYING IN THE LITTLE COUNTRY CHURCH  (EXAMPLE)

        Every church service was different. The same people mostly show up, except during revivals. Back then there was Sunday morning, service, Sunday night service, and Wednesday night services. It most certainly was not a one day a week celebrating for these fellowship ones. Ah fellowship that to me is a very important word.

        Singing of the spiritual kind, "well what other kind of singing is there?" Reading without feelings from a hymn book ainna, spiritual. Spiritual be when you feel in your soul baby!!!

        A testifying, is the same thing, your heart and soul is felt by all in attendance. Brother James be a testifying, Amen's and Hallelujah's are heard, because the worshipers , FEEL . . . his pain, heartfelt belief in a higher power! Sometimes the emotional testimonial will be felt throughout the tiny church and singing will begin, all will stand and sing with all their hearts. It's a feeling of joy to all, indescribable to ones that have never attended such spiritual moments. It is a cleansing of the heart! The fellow worshipers powerful emotions bring the spiritual moments to such highs, no amount of preaching can top the testimonials.

        It's all about the love of people worshiping a higher power, unknown, not understood, in all the other churches I have visited in my lifetime!

        Simple people have simple ways. It does not take a cathedral to worship. The spirit comes from within, not from a man in a robe looking all divine. The spirit of God is everywhere and within. You see it in the sun, the moon, the water, the mountains, everywhere you look my friends, please don't be fooled by of how high the cross atop the cathedral reaches. For it is how deep it settles in your heart!

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I BE A THANKING ALL THE PRAYERS, AND ALL THE PLAYERS, THAT ALLOWS THIS HUMBLED, OLD MAN TO WRITE TO YOU TONIGHT. A POWER BEYOND ALL POWERS HAS GIVEN ME RENEWED TIME, ENERGY, STRENGTH, TO CARRY ON.

A HUG OR KISS IS CHERISHED WITH ENERGY FLOWING BOTH WAYS. IT'S GREAT!

THE SMELL OF COFFEE A BREWIN' FIRST THING IN THE MORNING MEANS THANKS FOR ANOTHER DAY!

SUNSHINE ON MY FACE IS LIFE'S FUEL!

WALKING, WITHOUT A CANE IS DEVINE!

A RIDE THOUGH THE COUNTRYSIDE, REFRESHES MY SOUL TO THE VERY DEPTH!

PETTING MY OLD DOG SITTING ON MY LAP, RENEWETH THE CHILD IN ME, THOUGHT LONG GONE!

CHILDREN PLAYING, LAUGHING, HEAVEN ON EARTH!

THANKS FOR BEING GIVEN ANOTHER BIRTHDAY, THANKSGIVING, AND THE MOST IMPORTANT ONE, ANOTHER CHRISTMAS TO CELEBRATE WITH FAMILY, AND THE MEANING OF THE HOLIDAY!

((( I do remember a couple times in the last few years, thinking to myself as my body rebels trying to sleep.  "If this is it, then I want to go to sleep and never wake up!" )))

I LOOK BACK AT THAT THOUGHT NOW!  I DO NOT KNOW WHAT THE FUTURE HOLDS, BUT TO CELEBRATE AND DANCE TO THE MUSIC OF MY SOUL. I'M NOT HERE TO TELL ANY ONE HOW TO LIVE, BUT LIVE IT WITH, JOY, PASSION, AND COMMITMENT TO WHAT YOU BELIEVE, NOT WHAT OTHERS BELIEVE FOR YOU!!!!!!   Your old pal Glen, until we meet again!

Extra Innings!

It feels as if the holidays are already amongst us. I feel the holidays in my soul, a soul rejuvenated for whatever lies ahead. Be whatever happens, I've went beyond the game, now playing extra innings. The score be 0 to 0, and I'm a winning!    "HUH?" 

That there ol' Grim Reaper ainna, smiling as I cheated death. I been a thinkin', way-y-y too much after that realization hit me, I should not be here right now continuing Glenview fer y'all out there. I continue to learn more, and most amazing facts from people I barely know, behind the scenes adding more facts to the fact, I should, not be here.

How the hell can I put that thought into words? Seems quite impossible, and IS! As time goes by I hope it comes more into focus. Wow! Wouldn't that be wonderful to have, and know your mission in life.

I always believed I could see things others overlook, or chose, not to see! Most of the time it's a curse!

A million little things, over a lifetime wears one down. Why can I see not, hear not, know not?

Tomorrow, the next day, and from here on out, I want to define me.

My lifetime of living, and momentarily dying, I wish it not to be for nothing. If our life is written before we're born, and we must ride out our predetermined wave, then a reason must lie there. I only pray my life has been for nothing, and if I can make a difference somehow, someway, then miracles happen everywhere, all the time, and all miracles do not happen, only on 34 th street.

I know right now that ones have gone beyond the call of duty to bring this fat old man back, from a permanent leave of absence. The ones at work saved me, my life. Given C. P. R. by heroes breathing life back into me, giving me, a fighting chance until the first responders arrive. The firemen arrived ahead of the ambulance, luckily here in my town they carry defibrillators, wasn't always the case. They hit me until the ambulance medics arrive.

The firemen hit me a couple times, then the medics hit me a couple times. I was transported to my county hospital where the defibrillator was used again. The number of times I was shocked varies in all the excitement.

DON'T MATTER NOW THOUGH, AS I BE ALIVE AND KICKING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I walk through work once again today, to dis-spell the heeby-geebees of returning, and for exercise. I wish to place the thought of me lying on the floor, out of my mind to keep the suspense, and the fear away, just returning will be a huge accomplishment.

I WISH TO PLAY EXTRA INNINGS AND THINK ALL, FOR MAKING IT SO!

You Shall Remember!

Out and about on this November day, must do something as boredom tries getting the best of me. A light rain and a cloudy day doesn't help my doldrums in the least. Hey, don't get me wrong I'm not complaining that's just where my mind be at this moment. I can shake this loose by writing or taking a little ride, or visiting my mother. I shall wallow only briefly in the emotions of boredom compared to where I was only a few weeks ago!

My mind is ready to return to work, yet my body lingers several weeks behind. I need a trip to the sunshine state to break my funk, walk the beach, feel the warm sand betwixt my toes, perhaps I shall dream of this tonight. Oh yeah --- I'd, like that!

Will I return to the normality of my former self? God! I hope not! I wish to simply shrug off, and will away the stupidity of realty, in the realness of my world.  ( Damn that actually makes sense as I reread it, sha-zam baby! )

((( Maybe my sense of humor returneth, yee-haw I hope so, being too serious is hard on me! )))

The little world I have grown accustom to seems larger after my two visits to two different hospitals.  You know all embarassments are left at the front door as you're stuck, poked in every place, even places you didn't realize you had places. Luckily some good meds are in your I. V.'s.

As I grow older my world is smaller, don't want all the hassles of an earlier age. When your young you do as young ones do, but when your hair gets thinner and ever continually grayer, you wish for a recliner that has years of customizing to your tired old body, a remote. a glass of tea that never runs out and your old dog to nap on your lap.

The world re-invents itself to the next generation, good or bad in your eyes don't mean shit! The tiredness of your soul, is meant to be. Let them make the mistakes, learning from them and move forward. It's not your fault or calling as you have been there, done that. Time reflects the wisdom of some, the inability of some to reach their potential, the riff-raff, the ones that are carried by others. After all it's nothing new is it.

To rise above all the lame-brained atrocities of life, to live to see the ever increasing life span expanded is what senior citizens is all about, retire to the southern states and ride around in your motorized chair and golf carts!

As you watch the sunsets, the small trials that loomed ever so large of years passed will not be remembered. When you take your last breath, you shall remember you always gave your best!!!

Another Chapter

I've been struggling with posting, I sit down and nothing happens. Yesterday my remembrance of my dreams returned, that's a very good sign for me because I get lost, and the emotions I encounter is what keeps me . . . ME!  I believe more than anything else in my life without the comfort they provide I would be a different person. They fuel my imagination and my imagination cup runneth over. Man I love it!

Visited work for the first time since my? Damn, what do I call it? Brush with whatever lies beyond. The man that gave me chest compressions was excited to see me up and walking, the last time he seen me I was blue and laying on the cement. Tears formed in his eyes as he gave me a big hug, it was an emotional and beautiful moment.

Listening him describe the exact moments of which I know nothing about was surreal! I continue to hear and understand more and more as I merge back into reality from the opposite of where I have been. I lost several days of life in a way I wish not on anyone. Bits and pieces are slowly filling in, seems I've had an out of body experience and learning about it through the eyes of others. I continue learning, for example I was reviewing paperwork from the second hospital I had an eight day stay in. I had pneumonia in addition to all the other problems. All I can say is it's amazing if I dwell upon the whole scenario, and does not seem real.

I tire of talking about it, but how else do I work through it and return to myself of old, perhaps my dreams returning will do the trick.

I search for humor, but temporarily it eludes me.

I search for wisdom, but am confused.

I search for the strength to carry on.

I search for inner peace to guide me through another chapter.

If in life, there lies a purpose to my journey, I search for that road that will carry me, from here on out.

GOOD NIGHT MY FRIENDS, SWEET DREAMS UNTIL WE MEET AGAIN.   GLEN

I WILL . . . I MUST . . .

Good afternoon, the weather has dropped from 80 degrees on Monday. At this moment it's 40 on what should be the warmest time of the day here on Friday Halloween day. a cold rain makes it even worse as temperatures are expected to get below freezing tonight.

Why am I talkin' weather? Ya see, the weather and this here old boy have a heap in common, yes we do! Don't know when we'll be full of sunshine or cold and dreary! wow . . . can't believe I said that! These last few warm sunny days have had some inner healing to this here old soul, hallelujah!!! The warm rejuvenation is getting me closer to a healthful body.

While my body continues to heal, my thoughts return to how do I cope with returning to work in about a month or so? I'm more concerned with that than all the medical problems I've faced recently. The problems I encountered everyday, I'm sure haven't gone away.

While I believe my heart can withstand the daily bullshit, by the way my heart shows no blockage, ain't that a hoot, hell that's worth ten hoots and a ringy-din-ding!

That is a miracle in itself, considering the normal lifestyles we all face in this fast foods from hell world.

I am, as I is, meaning can people really change? I don't think so!

As I recuperate from the grasp of death I shall fear only myself, but that baby is the problem! I have more mental and physical conditions at this moment than I can count. "Well I'll be durn!" What's a man to do that has worked every since he was old enough to push a mower?

Has the five days on life support taught me anything, the two hospital stays all the poking and prodding?

I have been gone from work long enough to know I'm not the same man and never will be again. I don't wish to be! If we learn from what life throws us, then I have to, of changed, right?

Still old habits are hard to break. The lifetime of creation, of how I face the daily grind and my unwillingness to accept the ways of changes, good or bad must be dealt with. After all I'm only one old fat fart! I no longer have the fire in me belly to fight. Ainna, gonna, happen baby! I have lived long enough and experienced the good, bad, the intelligent and the stupid. Won't change! Therefore I must change, give less, care less.

While I nurse myself back to health, controlling my environment, it seems simple. Not so says Gleno! Little irritating problems become super irritating, dealing with Doctors, Hospitals, Pharmacy, and so on and so forth, ya see. Right now my wife has been handling this and still its irritating to me because the simple problem becomes blown out of proportion the more it is dealt with, too many people, too many computers, its down right asinine!

So am I to return to my same old environment with the same old problems and face them differently????????????????????????????????????????????????????

How does one change a lifetime of being me?

"Hey Doc give me some I don't give a shit pills!"

The work I can handle, the keeping my eyes closed and seeing nothing that happens around me is my downfall.

I WILL . . . I MUST . . . OR . . . GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE AND RETIRE BABY, YET THAT WOULD BE A SLOW DEATH FOR ONE WHO ONLY KNOWS WORK AND BEING WHOM I AM!