I sit here enjoying the warmth of the fall day, inside my mountaineer, waiting, yes just . . . waiting. I feel like a bug, as snug as can be, awakened from my winters nap. To appreciate one must understand, one must experience a once in a lifetime challenging, life altering, scene. The canvas becomes more vivid with each passing day. Pieces of the most unrealistic dire situation are slowly put together from others around you in your time of need. A dream, a nightmare, no realty. How can one lose many days of no memory? It cannot be possible! In this drug induced sleep there lies no pain, for the best, I'm now certain. A blank chapter of my life, but I hear from others I was still somewhat there. Most interesting as I search for data of that time, I find nothing. So where and what was I? There is a picture my brother took of me sitting in a chair, that can't be me! How can one not remember a few days, yet communicate the basics, like hot, cold, drink, sit up? Recognize no family members as they sit by my side, never leaving me alone. Ahh! Thankfully I an old fat man was not forgotten! Possibly I opened my eyes and found comfort, not in the white sterile walls that held me, but in the caring loving faces. The drug induced foray into an almost, other world, new beginning, or darkness, was delayed through love, and their many prayers.
The colors of the fall mums are more so. The beautiful pictures posted on a friends blog are spectacular, like the fireworks of fourth of July! A family's member hug is much needed warmth to an old tired heart, charging that sucker like nothing else. A few weeks ago it was jolts of electricity sent through an worn, tired, tiring of life to restart my vessel. Now the love returneth, as does the zest of living. We live every day in our own zone, a zone of existing in the hustle, bustle world of daily oneness. We do what we must to get through another day, there's always tomorrow! Is that so? We're all so different in our mindset of what life's enjoyments are. We are trapped in a survival mode. The cavemen faced daily death in purely surviving, food, shelter and such. We modern worker bees, face so much more.
The strains of life today kill us as surely as the big sabre tooth tiger of the caveman. Our strains of life begin early, and much more are heaped on as, we grow. I recognize mine, now more than ever as I reflect back. How can we change the past? WE CANNOT! The past is etched at the top of the new blank paper we begin the rest of our life on! The story of the past has been wrote, the story of what time we have left is to be placed on the new, blank page. Ain't that a hoot!!!
The challenge will be the hardest ever to face. To go back to familiar ground and fall back to a lifetime of learned poor behaviors cannot be done. The mindset of a new me MUST be recognized and dealt with quickly. Yes, has to be that way.
What percentage of alcoholics, drug addicts, the list goes on and on, want to change but fail. Sad am I right. We are one against the world it seems.