Been in a strange, yet. new mood this week, even for me. I reckon just when you think you have experienced it all, you experience something new, if you're aware.
For a few years I was in a groove that seemed to work for me. Not a rut, rather a period of enlightenment, in a new way, through this format you're now reading. I was content to work the late shift hours. I was approached about a new job on dayshift, unknowing at that time this was uniquely tailored for me with the necessary skills I had gathered over the years. It took many months to actually start this job that was offered to me on November 7th, of last year. Only after five months of dilly-dallying (Not on my part!) A demand to give me what was promised was asked. I'm not one for demanding, it was the principle of the thing that drove me. I was in a comfortable, guiding rut for the first time in my life. My life's suit seemed wearable with the addition of my new nightly hobby . . GLENVIEW. Releasing pent up emotional baggage in a new way and the persistence of learning to type (No I never knew how to type! Believe me it ain't easy to teach an old dog new tricks!)
ANYWAYS! A tense meeting did accomplish what was promised many, many, months earlier. I won, but I also lost! In looking back. I wish this had never been. It was a nerve racking pissed off many months. I'm an old man and afflicted with emotions. After the winning/losing battle my emotions ran amuck, I had to regain my emotions through a somewhat lengthy stay in the bathroom. (Read into this what you, will.) I was took aback at these flowing of emotions. One may play hard-ball yet emotions, cannot be caught, nor controlled.
This year has seen me working strange hours, a combination of day, nights and everything in between.
I had inner gumption to prove to all, and I did! I was asked to return to a split shift to help, which I did. I examine this year so far and find a hollow victory. One can only do so much, especially when words seemingly fall on deaf ears. Admission of errors without correctional fluids, solve nothing.
I have been uprooted from a rut of my design, to a ruthless rut going nowhere it seems. I miss the rut of the same hours, I must endure so as I might enjoy the enlightening reflection of my new found hobby. I feel soul-less at the moment.
I have gone from the brightly burning flame of proving to myself and all that I am up to the challenge, to a new sensation of overwhelming boredom. The mood I found myself languishing in, is not jittery frustration with high blood pressure. Seems as though a heavy sedative has been injected into my will. An emptiness of it doesn't matter. There is not one bright, beautiful, golden light at the end of the tunnel. It has always been smoke and mirrors, a tunnel of a thousand small lights connected to throw you off. The last light should you reach it, lies a cement wall...............................................