I WILL . . . I MUST . . .

Good afternoon, the weather has dropped from 80 degrees on Monday. At this moment it's 40 on what should be the warmest time of the day here on Friday Halloween day. a cold rain makes it even worse as temperatures are expected to get below freezing tonight.

Why am I talkin' weather? Ya see, the weather and this here old boy have a heap in common, yes we do! Don't know when we'll be full of sunshine or cold and dreary! wow . . . can't believe I said that! These last few warm sunny days have had some inner healing to this here old soul, hallelujah!!! The warm rejuvenation is getting me closer to a healthful body.

While my body continues to heal, my thoughts return to how do I cope with returning to work in about a month or so? I'm more concerned with that than all the medical problems I've faced recently. The problems I encountered everyday, I'm sure haven't gone away.

While I believe my heart can withstand the daily bullshit, by the way my heart shows no blockage, ain't that a hoot, hell that's worth ten hoots and a ringy-din-ding!

That is a miracle in itself, considering the normal lifestyles we all face in this fast foods from hell world.

I am, as I is, meaning can people really change? I don't think so!

As I recuperate from the grasp of death I shall fear only myself, but that baby is the problem! I have more mental and physical conditions at this moment than I can count. "Well I'll be durn!" What's a man to do that has worked every since he was old enough to push a mower?

Has the five days on life support taught me anything, the two hospital stays all the poking and prodding?

I have been gone from work long enough to know I'm not the same man and never will be again. I don't wish to be! If we learn from what life throws us, then I have to, of changed, right?

Still old habits are hard to break. The lifetime of creation, of how I face the daily grind and my unwillingness to accept the ways of changes, good or bad must be dealt with. After all I'm only one old fat fart! I no longer have the fire in me belly to fight. Ainna, gonna, happen baby! I have lived long enough and experienced the good, bad, the intelligent and the stupid. Won't change! Therefore I must change, give less, care less.

While I nurse myself back to health, controlling my environment, it seems simple. Not so says Gleno! Little irritating problems become super irritating, dealing with Doctors, Hospitals, Pharmacy, and so on and so forth, ya see. Right now my wife has been handling this and still its irritating to me because the simple problem becomes blown out of proportion the more it is dealt with, too many people, too many computers, its down right asinine!

So am I to return to my same old environment with the same old problems and face them differently????????????????????????????????????????????????????

How does one change a lifetime of being me?

"Hey Doc give me some I don't give a shit pills!"

The work I can handle, the keeping my eyes closed and seeing nothing that happens around me is my downfall.

I WILL . . . I MUST . . . OR . . . GET THE FUCK OUT OF THERE AND RETIRE BABY, YET THAT WOULD BE A SLOW DEATH FOR ONE WHO ONLY KNOWS WORK AND BEING WHOM I AM!