For I Do Try

You know? This writing, is tough! Possibly, it's tougher than this old man! What makes it so damn tough, is getting what I'm thinking, in my frickin' mind, to this frickin' keyboard! It's like my mind's high on energy drinks, and my fingers, have taken valium. I don't think the transmission's being received! DAMN IT! I try, I really do!

Maybe it's true, "you cannot, teach an old dog new tricks!!!" I'm getting frustrated! I have many things that I wish to say, but seems I'm not getting there! I try to practice every day.  Damn, I'm getting older, not younger, if I don't get to where I wish soon, I'll be six foot under! I wish to write about my every day happenings, add my innermost thoughts, still I don't seem to be able the way I wish. I'm growing irritated and wonder why, I try? I cannot explain it other than, if I don't do something to challenge my mind, I'll surely die! I don't want to waste what time I've left watching the boob tube! I need to explain what I feel, and see, damn it, I need too, for some fucking reason!!!

When I'm at the keyboard, I enter another world. A world of where you can say anything you wish. I read others work and marvel at what they say, so proper! I know I've challenged myself to something I can never do, like others can. I also know my life probably is nothing like theirs. I on the other hand do not wish to be them. We can only write about what we know, see, think, witness. I have insight on hearing loss, so I can write about that. I'm still in the workforce so I can write about that. I've many experiences from another perspective, if only I could get them out, the way I wish!

I just feel like after 3 years I should be improving! My typing is crappy, on a good day, perhaps I'll never improve.

My mind thinks good and bad at the same time. That's certainly not helpful when you're trying to put a coherent post together. I can't help that that's the way I've always been. I believe some kind of defense mechanism, I created, to get through the bad times as a child. That continues and I don't know how to stop it. I can't, it's part of me. At work I cannot keep my thoughts to myself, my eyes do not have blinders, I see all. It goes upstairs and challenges me. My experience of life has seen the good the bad and the ugly. I'm seeking understanding. Understanding of one's self, that seems easy. Ah, not so, is it? We watch others and see bits and pieces of our self. That's never pretty because we see the bad in our self, not the good. Our wounds never heal, we carry them throughout our life. Self analysis cripples us. A reminder of our current fault of the minute, sends flashbacks. Our mind goes back to a lifetime of similar faults, embedded all too deeply, replayed instantaneously adding to the current reminder we've just experienced.

I try for laughter, to always make lite of all situations. If I give humor to one's day I'm grateful. Making fun is good, but healing takes place through understanding. We're mostly the same, there's a lifetime of crippled mindsets, we need to overcome.

I've always believed certain types of entertainment, say Soap Operas have allowed viewers to escape the boredoms of their lives, experiencing bottled up emotions.

The very things that make me, me, also kills me! I cannot overlook the dumb-ass-i-ties of myself, nor others! Sometimes I wish I had no emotions, or thoughts of anything!

This weekend has found me with the flu. The aches in every joint has brought me to a standstill! Yet my dreams have been a pleasant reminder of another world. The mind's way of healing. What I do know for sure, without balance, I would be, no longer!

I write for laughter. I write for self reflection! I hope you see some of each in what I do! For I do try!