MY FAVORITE THINGS, IN LIFE AT MY AGE! FRIED CHICKEN, ( K. F. C. ) PUPPY DOGS AND KITTENS, FRIED CHICKEN. ( Have I said that yet? ) SPRING TIME FLOWERS. MY GRANDMOTHERS CHICKEN & DUMPLINGS. ( I added dumplings! ) SMILING WOMEN. ( chicken! ) A RAINBOW, ( chicken in my salad, um, um! ) FOURTH OF JULY, SWEET CORN. ( k.f.c. have I said that yet? ) THANKSGIVING TURKEY RIGHT OUT OF THE OVEN. ( Melts in your mouth, taste a lot like chicken! ) I have been priming the pump so to speak, hoping to write about something, seems I'm hungry for chicken! U-know this silliness doesn't spring from the pipe like the old fashioned hand pumps! My seals are shot, vacuum must be created. I can't see putting new seals in at this stage of my life. What if I lost my silliness, I couldn't live without my sense of humor, I might write like regular people! That be a scary thought, makes me shiver just thinking about that, what would my writing be like then, perhaps something like this!
The rain in Spain falls mainly on the plains. ( A might boring for me! )
How about a man smoking a dobie, saying "Yo! Home Boy! Did you fricking know most of the rain that falls in Spain is contaminated from all the pollution! I can't imagine breathing in anything, that don't make you feel high Bro!"
Sea shells, sea shells, by the sea shore.
Is that boring or what! How about, Who gives a rat's ass about the sea shells on the !@#$ING sea shore, a dobie in your hand is worth two, you don't have, to smoke!
If I was forced to use the Queen's English, I would quit writing, well I don't actually call what I do writing, more like trying! I would have to say! I ain't good enough to use, PROPER English! ( Side note, I absolutely love them English News Women reading the nightly news! Here lies a secret weapon these American Networks haven't figured out yet! Take a good looking proper English Anchor Woman and read the news here in the States, all we stupid men would believe anything coming out of her mouth! Yep! We stupid ass men would be so fascinated by her, we would buy anything she is saying! ) Shit fire! I don't even know what the word proper means! I use the kind-o English my half deaf ears hear! That be NO FRICKING joke, as I am half fricking deaf for real! You think I write amusingly now, wait about 10 more years, I'll really show you some silly shit, I mean wurds, whatever!!! I have been hard-o hearing all me fricking life mind ya! One of the hardest things for me is to correct myself, because the words I hear are NOT the words you hear! I cannot say what I do not hear! I know seems stupidly simple to those of you assholes with good hearing! ( Oopsey! Sorry about that! ) Hell no I ain't! You Buttheads with good hearing piss me off! ( Oopsey! Sorry once again as you might ascertain, I be a mite touche about my hearing loss. I know the proper be touchy but I am giving you a smidgen of my dilemma, ain't fun is it? )
I'm looking for something to write about how about convenient store nah, been there done that! How about big box stores, nah! I know, how about them Super Convenient Drugs Stores. You can get your Doctor prescribed pills of all colors and pick up some alcohol to wash them down with and some munchies and a gallon of milk for the children and some dog food for the puppy and pick up your little woman one of them roses wrapped in plastic last Valentines Day from the leftovers by the check out. Now I'm talking, REAL, convenience here! U-know, I remember when the Pharmicist kept his supply of drugs behind him in an area the size of a small closet. ( Yes really! ) Now, how much bigger do ya reckon their drug closet is? They even give you a drive-up window. Now, I'm talking real convenience, them damn dummy's too lazy to walk into the drug store to get their oxycotin and prozac sheesh, makes my skin crawl! Anyhow, the drug/alcohol/convenient store seem to remodel their drug warehouse every year to keep up with the new fangled drugs to cure everything! What I cannot understand is! With all these new drugs on the market, why is the hospitals getting larger like the drug stores? Does anybody understand that! If these damn drugs are curing every ache pain and cancer and heart problems etc, then why, oh why! Has my once small hospital become a megalith monstrocity with a helicopter pad! Humm, can anybody out there answer this for a old man?
I reckon this here world has passed this old man by! They want you to buy and buy and buy! The appetite for buying is atrocious! ((( super-califragistic-espy-alidocious even though the sound of this is simply! [Whoopsey! That word atrocious, caused a flashback to a chidhood children's movie, I believe was Mary Poppins! ])))
Let's see, please pretend with me it's Saturday afternoon on a beautiful late spring day with temperatures in the 80's many years ago! The kids might say "let's go get a bucket of K. F. C. and have a picnic, yeah! Whew-wee! Makes my heart go pitter patter, that sounds so beautiful and so family togetherness! Take your puppy dog, so Norman Rockwell, I could cry! ( Excuse me for a sec, as I wipe the tears from my wittle eyes! )
Use your imagination ( Come on! I know ya have one, OR you would not be visiting a CRAZY old man like me ! ) and consider what would be more realistic of the modern times we live in. Mother wants to go take a ride in the S. U. V. and have a family picnic down by the Old Mill Stream Park, like they did when she was a young whipper snapper. ( Youngin! ) She longs for those family days she remembers from her childhood. Her husband is out cutting grass but she has not heard the lawnmower recently. She goes out to investigate. Ma finds Pa in the hammock drinking beer and smoking some foul smelling cigarette, singing off key to Born to be Wild! It's 3 PM and Pa is high and drinking! It's such a beautiful spring day! Where is the boys, why aren't they out riding their bicycles or tossing that new football she bought them for Christmas! She finds them in front of the 72 inch big screen that Pa just absolutely had to have, which he falls asleep in front of, every time he watches it! Their playing video games. All you hear is shooting and killing as they play war with all the ghastly horrible scenes flashed in 72 inch blood splattering ewe-ness! You go search for your 15 year old daughter. At least you two can take a ride and enjoy some quality time. You find Ashley still in her pajamas and texting in the middle of the bed. She has this strange far away look in her eyes, the look of total possession by an evil entity! You approach Ashley she starts growling like a rabid dog! Tears come into your eyes as you remember what it was once like, before Ashley's possesseion by the cellphone! The shopping, the good times you two once shared. You go to the kitchen and cry your eyes dry! You look outside in the hammock at Pa sleeping off his high, from marijauana and alcohol, you look in at the boys still fighting off the enemy of the big screen. There is absolutely no way you're going upstairs to see Ashley sitting in the middle of the bed looking like Linda Blair in that scene from the Exorcist! You feel Sonny your Chocolate Labrador carrying his leash and you say "at least I still have you boy, you'll never tune me out." Sonny wags his tail understanding every word! So you and Sonny are out riding in the S. U. V. with the windows down on this wonderful spring day looking at and smelling the flowers. Sonny has his head stuck out the window, barking and having the time of his life. You and your trusty companion stop at K. F. C. You buy a family bucket and go to the park, you and Sonny eat until both of you can't eat no more. Sonny cuts a loud fart and looks at you expecting to be scolded, but you just laugh and say let'er rip boy, you have salvaged the day for me, as you laugh and squeeze a tiny one out, Sonny looks at you and you swear he is smiling! You two take a long walk and enjoy the sunset. You and Sonny arrive home after dark with a romance movie from Red Box, as soon as you're in the door the whole hungry family have come back from the drunken stupor, the killing epidemic and the demonic possession. At the same time they say "we're starving", you hand them the empty box of chicken and Sonny gives out a loud sound as an exclaimation point ( BELCH !!! ) with that smile on his face from earlier at the park! The look you give them cause all four to back up and give you plenty of room! Pa has risen from his drunken/high stupor and says, "maybe we best go get Pizza." You say "don't let the door hit you in your asses and don't come back for three hours, that you're going to take a hot bath and watch a movie and don't even think about coming home until then! "The family know, you mean business from your own version of the Linda Blair Exorcist movie! So, that's exactly what you did, a glass of wine, a bubble bath and lying beside you watching the romance movie is Sonny your loyal companion.
As the family ate Pizza and go to a movie they discuss, what's wrong with Mom? No one had the foggiest clue.
Sonny, the loyal companion on the other hand was having a dog gone good doggie dream. In that dream he was riding with his head stuck out the window with his ears sailing in the wind and his jowls moving meerily all around, having a picnic, eating his favorite, K. F. C. , lying on the couch with his favorite master, eating popcorn. Sonny laughs at his intelligence. Earlier that day he took the cellphone and laid it in the bed beside Ashley before she woke up. He took the boys their favorite game after breakfast. He knew where Pa kept his secret stash of foul smelling cigarettes and Pa was the one who put a rope on the refrigrator door and taught him how to fetch beer! This was his best day ever and his best dream ever as he still bask in the glory, lying beside his favorite master as Pa tries to sneak into the bedroom and Ma hollers "don't even think about it!" Pa put's his tail betwen his legs with his head hanging down, to sleep on the couch! Ma emphasizes "if you can sleep in the hammock you won't have any trouble sleeping on the couch!" Yes! This day was a masterpiece of work, as Sonny laughs in his dream and sleeps beside his favorite master, what a glorious spring day and no one was even aware of his intervention, he dreams about making a movie out of this day, and I could be the star with Julia Roberts as his co-star! Sonny sleeps snugly, thinking to himself, who's the master around here and laughing in his dream, like a laughing hyena!!! Yes! He would of gone on the ride with the family, but getting them all together and enjoying the simple things in life is the problem. While, he and his favorite master could have a wonderful afternoon, he felt his his job was to make it happen for Ma and he did! Not only that, he didn't have to share this way, AND he is sleeping beside her! WOOF! WOOF! WOOF! Sonny says "don't let the fleas bite!" AH, HA, HA, HA from Sonny and Glen! HOPE YOU ENJOYED OUR LITTLE TALE.